Seeing nothing

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. – Heb 11:1

We do not have any money to pay our rent or buy food or pay for electricity or put petrol in the car. This month, we have no money. Nothing. There is R19 and change in my bank account.

The harder I fight this battle against poverty, the worse it becomes.

My husband works, he goes out to clients and gives out quotes and does some jobs. He is constantly busy, but it is not generating money. I am studying to try a new career, in the hopes of getting a job. I am applying to jobs. My businesses have not borne any fruit. I help my husband with his business. I tend to the kids.

And I pray.

Yet, I am not seeing anything. It is dry outside, it is October and not a drop of rain have fallen in months. It is the latest that I have experienced with no rain. It is dry inside. It feels as if the dryness outside is mirroring the desert in me.

I want to stop believing. In fact, a big part of me is really doubting that anything I do is achieving anything. Doubting that God really exists. And if He does, that He will actually do anything for me.

But I am making a choice – I am overriding my doubts and feelings, and choosing to believe that He is real, that He is alive, and that He is fighting for me. I am choosing to serve Him and choosing to give my life to Him, even when it seems that He is allowing my life to disintegrate.

Like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, answered king Nebuchadnezzar: “If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand, O king. But if not, be it known unto thee, O king, that we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up. (Dan 3:16-18, emphasis added).

So I am saying: I choose to believe He is alive, and that everything is His and that He is able to deliver me out of the hand of my enemies, out of poverty. And although I pray and ask for His deliverance, the choice to do so, is His. And I will serve Him whether or not He does.