God's still here

It’s been a couple of months since I set aside time for God, time to pray, time to read the Bible. I started to feel anxious and I really felt a need to do it again.

It’s not like I didn’t pray – I pray during the day, I pray as and when things happen, short prayers. My desire still is to live the life God wants me to live, to do what He requires of me. But because I haven’t really spent time with Him, the path became fainter, and I started to succumb to the attacks against me.

Due to various things happening around me, and to me – from personal struggles about my marriage, to professional rejection in my job – I was feeling lost and dejected. I spent hours and hours trying to perform at work, neglecting my family, my faith and myself. Only to be shot down quite violently.

The rejection cut to my soul and spilled over to every other area of my life. It’s very clear to me that I need to address the constant rejection and shame from the past 7 years of unemployment and failed businesses, as this has definitely caused a very large wound inside me. I can’t stand the slightest critique – I literally burst into tears, with feelings of failure and thoughts of shame and even suicide, filling my mind.

However, in the midst of this, I got the clear direction to make a change and to take charge of even just one aspect, and that was my body. No matter what I did, I didn’t lose weight. And because of the hours I put in, I didn’t sleep enough and didn’t allow myself the time to exercise. So I chose to make the change: I started exercising in the morning while watching 1 episode of one of my favourite tv shows, and drinking water. Afterwards, I get dressed – nicely dressed. I decided also not to work past 22:00, and have since gone to bed even earlier, mostly not even working at night (at least not on the job that rejected me so badly).

And then, I made the effort to get up and do a Bible study, even though it felt so funny. I felt that because I hadn’t done it for so long, I wasn’t “allowed” to, I had to “work my way back”, like I had to do some preparatory things before I could open the Bible. But, I decided not to give in to those feelings and thoughts, and I just started.

Nothing around me changed.

But I did. I received blessings in doses of acceptance and patience, where there were struggle and resentment. My time stretched and I not only had time to do the things I wanted, I also had the drive and energy to tackle the ones I didn’t.

The attacks didn’t stop. The critique at work is ongoing and immense, and I still need to deal with that rejection monster.

But in one day of turning back to God, He has shown His mercy.

When you feel that God is far away, remember this: it is not Him that is far away, it is you. He is waiting – literally waiting!! – for you to turn back to Him. You need to give the first step – He is a gentleman and will not force you to do anything. So He’ll wait until YOU decide to go back to Him. He hasn’t left you.

He’s still here.

The dogs that grew quiet

God gave us a house, this big, beautiful house, that I think is just awesome. And I truly believe He provided it. I believe that this is where He wants us to be.

So, smooth sailing, right?

Nope. Not by a long shot.

After we found this house in the most miraculous way possible, while still living in our old house, an average afternoon at home turned sour. What should have been time spent together, tore my family apart violently. And, with it, my heart. My oldest son went to live with his dad. He would not be moving with us to the new house.

My oldest daughter also found a flat as close to perfection both in looks and price as you can get. We moved to our new home on the one day and she moved into her new flat, the next.

Within a week, I was down from a family of 7 to a family of 5. I still cook for 7. I still take out plates for 7 sometimes.

However gorgeous this house is, it also isn’t perfect. The roof actually leaks here, too. The owners wasn’t aware, as the previous tenants never informed them. Luckily it isn’t big leaks, just small drops – but everywhere. It’s a double storey, though, so it only leaks upstairs! Some cupboards isn’t quite up to scratch and little things like cupboards in the bathroom is non-existent. But all these are little things that can easily be overcome.

It’s the personal attacks on me that has not been so easy.

Doubt, frustration, anger has crept into my heart and thoughts. Along with my monthly hormonal imbalances, the devil has taken a gap and attacked with precision and sophistication. I was hammered with negative thoughts about myself, my husband, this house, our future, my reason for existing. Since childhood I suffered from depression, but have beaten it with God’s grace. However, the pitfalls are still there and if I am not careful it is easy to slip back into them.

I saw the attack as it happened. I recognised it as an attack from the enemy. I heard the words and knew they were lies. Yet, I was powerless against them and I felt my heart freeze over with rejection. I knew I should stand against them, renounce and rebuke them, but I couldn’t. With all that happened, that one sentence cut too close to home, and I succumbed.

I decided to let it play out.

Ever since we’ve moved into this new house, I struggled to really pray. One night as I knelt down to try to pray, the dogs in the area were barking. I am not talking a little irritating yapping, I am talking a hound of dogs all barking as loud as they could for hours. It resonated through the hills. I asked God to quiet the dogs, to move over them and calm them down. And within seconds, it was quiet. Every now and then a couple would start barking again, only to grow silent very shortly after.

And now, with this attack that has made me doubt everything, every time I have a thought about whether or not God is listening, I am reminded of the dogs that grew quiet. Every time I wonder if I have lost my way, I am reminded of the dogs that grew quiet.

God heard my simple request and answered it. How could I doubt that He hears me? Or doubt whether He cares? Or whether or not I am still acceptable to Him?

And, just to confirm His attention on me, the next study piece I read, spoke directly about my current situation. Naming the emotions involved, as if written for me. Along with it, the instruction of the prayers that I need to pray.

The attacks are still coming – now even in my dreams.

But I will remember the dogs that grew quiet, and I will stand on the knowing that God is with me.

Who can be against me?