I was molested when I was 6/7 years old by a couple of girls, probably around 13 years old. It wasn’t extremely traumatic, I was too young to understand everything. I knew what was happening was wrong, I knew that I had no control over the situation, and although I wasn’t scared, a different type of fear was present.
The incident didn’t impact me in the way sexual assault normally does. What it did to me, was that it got me started with masturbation.
Something deep inside me didn’t like doing it. But I couldn’t stop. To do it, I summoned up sexual images and stories – I don’t know where I got it from, it is not something we were exposed to. I was 17 when I saw a man’s parts for the first time. Today I know it was demons.
It got to a point where I couldn’t fall asleep without masturbating. And there would be nights where I would cry myself to sleep, because of the guilt in doing it. It was very quick, but I would be traumatized for decades because of those couple of minutes every day. Sometimes more than once a day.
Throughout my life, I was thrown from pillar to post regarding the validity of masturbation, of whether it was a good thing or not, of whether it was a sin or not. I went through phases of acceptance and self-condemnation.
My first encounter with pornography was around 17, too. It gave me new images on which to masturbate. Not long after, my mind shifted and I started to realise what the pornography industry is about and a deep, intense hate for it began to form. The sexual exploitation of the innocent for financial gain – I wanted nothing to do with it. But, to get new images for my masturbation sessions, I drew inspiration from the internet once, maybe twice a year. And I would hate pornography, and myself, even more.
I got to a place where I stopped doing it. But the desire and the images would haunt me. I’d cave.
We got involved with a home-church and my journey with God deepened. I learned about roots and causes and curses and how to repent and break them.
I repented for masturbating, as for me it has always been a sin. My heart rebelled against it from the beginning. I broke the curses and strongholds. But the battle wasn’t over yet.
Realizing that I did not have the means to battle against this, I gave it to God. I told Him that He knew my heart, I repented and I don’t want to do it anymore, I also don’t want to want to do it, but that I didn’t know how to fight against something that was part of my way of thinking, that became part of my way of perception.
And He delivered me. Don’t ask me how. I don’t know. I prayed when, what and how He lead. When the urges came, I praised and worshipped Him. There were some hard nights, and I lost the battle once. The guilt raked through me, but now I knew that God doesn’t blame, He doesn’t accuse. The devil does. I repented and believed that God’s grace is bigger than my mistake. He knew my heart was in the right place, that my desire was to stop.
I realised that there is a moment when you choose. You’re in doubt, falling between yes and no, and then there is a moment, a tipping point. When you know about it, when you can recognise it, it’s easy to see. And in that moment, your decision determines the outcome.
The next time, I made the choice not to masturbate. It was a choice that went against every grain in my body, and against a body and mind riddled with desire. I praised God and thanked Him and just prayed. And the urge went away.
After that, I started to see the attacks. I knew it was demons before, but the disguise as fleshly desires makes you think it is your body and not demons driving the desire. Now I knew. The attacks became more obvious.
The battle raged for some months. I had to make the choice not to masturbate, not to give place to the thoughts. And then I had to stand. And God fought. God changed my thoughts. He changed my wiring.
After a while I realised that it was gone.
But the enemy wasn’t about to let go so quickly. He still came and tempted, but now I had the victory and the knowledge and the power – in Jesus, and I could simply resist. The temptations grew less and less.
And then the dream attacks came. I would dream rousing dreams and I would climax in the dream, without touching myself. It disturbed me, as I had no control over it. It was purely attacks by the devil. It wasn’t my choice, my will. And so, I refused to accept the guilt the devil wanted to place on me. I knew that God knew that it was attacks from the devil and that he used his power over my flesh, to get me to fall back into sin, and into self-condemnation.
They stopped too.
Just because you’re delivered from something doesn’t mean there will be no more attacks, no more temptation. It was ground the devil lost, and he wants it back. He won’t let it go without a fight.
It’s your job to walk in your victory, to submit to God and to stand – stand on the Word, stand on your deliverance – and just resist the devil.
My battle isn’t over. The effect this has had on me and my intimate life, is profound. But that, too, is in God’s hands. I’ve asked Him to help me, because I just don’t know what to do.
And He will.
– Anonymous, June 2021, RSA
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