Father God,
I stand before You this morning and I am not sure what to say.
So many things are happening. And I am not sure about any of them.
Thank you for my job - You provided it so timeously, so perfectly. And they are treating me well. Bless them Lord, according to the riches of Your glory and grace!
Thank you for my family - that I have my kids with me for a little while longer. For the time we can spend together and even though that presents its challenges, it is a privilege and I treasure it.
Father God, as it seems my marriage has to end, I ask for grace. I believe that You are telling me it is ok - through messages freedom and grace that comes from all over. I am horrified that it is happening. But I cannot ignore my body's signals any longer.
Forgive me, Father, please forgive me! Forgive me that I wasn't able to just let go. Forgive me that I couldn't just shake it off and turn over a new leaf and just ... live as if it never happened. I am so sorry that I couldn't do that.
I am so sorry that I wouldn't. That I just couldn't get over myself and forgive him enough to do that. I am sorry that in my heart I want to punish him for the suffering I am going through and that I just couldn't find the mercy in me, to leave him unaccountable.
For me it feels like he is walking away - scott free. He can hurt and lie and steal and get away with it, because I keep forgiving him. I keep allowing him, because you forgive 70x7. So he doesn't get punished. He doesn't learn. He isn't even trying to change! And I am trying and fighting and being ignored and neglected and having to rebuild after the abuse and lies and hurt.
Why is it only on me?
I am angry with him, Father God, and the truth is that I can't keep looking at him, not suffering a bit, while I am emotionally dying. I can't heal while I am watching my abuser living the high life. And I am so sorry if that means that I haven't forgiven him. Or if I am judging him. And if that means that I am not acting in love.
I don't know what love is.
And if love is covering up the trespasses, then I am not in love, because I can't keep covering his.
I am so confused. And so sorry. And so torn.
Please help me, Father God.
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